The Wit and Wisdom of Homer J. Simpson Courtesy of the Simpsons Writing Room
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"
"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin',did you?"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
America's health care system is second only to Japan ... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain ... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever ... thy will be done. (munch munch munch)
If he is so smart, how come he is dead?
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
Do I know what rhetorical means?
Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden." ( giving a lecture on marriage ).
I like my beer cold ... my TV loud ... and my homosexuals flaming.
If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.
Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.
Marge, please. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
Trying is the first step towards failure.
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
Simpson-Homer Simpson , he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. D'oh!
The lesson is : Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!
There's a New Mexico?!?
This perpetual motion machine she made is a joke : It just keeps going faster and faster. Lisa, get in here! In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing like that movie, Police Academy.
What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?
Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say ... This stinks!
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.
Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population : you.
Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Ooh, a graduate student huh? How come you guys can go to the moon but can't make my shoes smell good?
Good Things don't end in "eum", they end in "Mania" or "Teria"
Ahhh ... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else ...
Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win.
Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.
Are you sure this is the Sci-Fi Convention? It's full of nerds!
They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.
My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! On our wedding day I promised to bogart her for life!
Back you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me! And maybe the boy.
No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whizz.
Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk.